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Things don’t look so good for Peter Berg and his battle ships today as several reviews of his uneagerly awaited board-game-turned-Hollywood-flopbuster Battleship hit the web. Oh look! There I go ripping away and I haven’t even seen the movie!
In the lead up to Battleship’s release, it’s fair to say that no one, with the exception of maybe Hasbro and Michael ‘Boom!’ Bay, were actually excited about this dick measuring contest between Alien’s and the US Navy. So here’s some snippets pulled together from various reviews that should tell you not to spend your hard-earned cash on seeing this film. Instead, just watch Transformers: Dark of the Moon on BluRay and throw water at the TV. I imagine the experience will be similar.
Empire – The Japanese captain who teams up with the Yanks, thus making up for Pearl Harbor; the gutsy veteran with metal legs; Liam Neeson’s gruff Admiral; Rihanna’s gunner, who barely gets anything to do except yell, “Boom!” — all are about as memorable as sea-foam.
Den of Geek – Last year we had Cowboys & Aliens. Battleship’s essentially sailors versus aliens. All we need are highway traffic cops versus aliens, and we’ll be one step closer to the full set: a sci-fi Village People.
SFX – The script unconvincingly tries to justify some brain-curdling dialogue; “Let’s buy this planet another day”, with postmodern winks; “Do people really say that?”.
Total Film – What follows is nigh-on two hours of gale-force military fetishism, a script set to soundbite (“Boom!” says the underused, but surprisingly un-terrible, Rihanna, firing a cannon), and stratospheric levels of product placement.
Empire – The camera lingers so long on slowly turning destroyers, even a seagull would check its watch.
Variety – A reconnaissance mission led by Alex and scrappy female officer Raikes (Rihanna) aggravates the visitors into opening fire, setting the stage for a protracted series of back-and-forth pyrotechnic attacks of increasing sound and fury until an abruptly curtailed finale.
Total Film – Misguided in the extreme. A scene in which Kitsch and co aim blindly for the broadest of targets – and miss by miles – proves painfully apt.
However, there are a few poor souls, reviewing away (which is more than I am doing here I’ll admit), who actually enjoyed the film.
Urban CineFile – With an onslaught of jaw-dropping visual effects, non-stop action and a narrative that delivers some surprises, Battleship booms onto the screen with style and scale.
The general consensus appears to be giving this one a miss. Read the full reviews for more pun-foolery.